WHAT MASK ARE YOU WEARING TODAY ?

The other day I had a conversation with a work colleague and the subject came up about whether we are true to ourselves, or do we all have a tendency to hide ourselves behind persona's which aren't ours.  Changing then each time we are in certain situations.

Show me a person who doesn't hide behind a mask of their own making at some point, I would say they are a liar. As it is part of human nature.

WHY DO WE DO IT?

I believe we develop these masks as a form of a defence mechanisms. There are many reasons for donning these masks, the main one I believe has to be to gain social acceptance as we all have the desire to be liked/loved. So we change these masks to adjust to the social environment we are in, to feel comfortable and accepted.

We seem to develop the ability to don a mask at an early age and utilise it to our gain.  Think about when you were a child or look at your own children,  As children our parents knew our true selves as they were with us everyday, so knew what we were really like, the good, the bad and the ugly.  With parents we all could be little devils pushing them to cracking point, with tantrums, spitefulness etc. Then put us in an environment with external company i.e. Grandparents, parents of your friends, see the mask develop going from this child who has just had the biggest hissy fit about going on a visit, to an social angel, full of manners and charm. (ok it maybe because they want something but this is a prime example of donning a mask).

One of the frequent times we tend to don our masks, is when we what to hide our emotions from public view. Whether its:
Excitement
Disappointment
Fear
Rejection
Depression
Shyness
The list goes on.

CAN IT BE UNHEALTHY ?

As it is part of human nature, I would say its not unhealthy BUT only as long as you are aware of the masks you use and when you use them and when not to use them too, ensuring that they don't take over reality.

A mask can be used in a positive way as well as a negative way, but you should be aware of when you are using them,  One of the most commonly used masks is that of humour, this is one people tend to use on a daily basics when feeling insecure, nervous etc.  One of the most famous people to use humour as a mask was comedian Tony Hancock, who used it on a regular basic for work and in life to mask the fact he was a manic depressive.  The persona he showed his fans was a completely different to his true self, there are many more comedians out there that do the same. So he uses his mask in a positive way.

Bur there are those that have lost there grip on reality, who wear there different mask constantly never taking them off, so have develop a totally different unrealistic persona. I know one of these individuals, the masks they have developed over their life time have become a permanent fixture, their true self has all but disappeared. The person believes everything that comes out of their mouth is the truth (believing their own façade) They had a mask of an overachiever, mask of hero, mask of popularity the list goes on.  They live their life under the invented persona as this is only way they can survive day to day. They are totally obvious to the fact people can see them as a fake and not as important as they believe they are. So having an opposite effect to that of the majority of us, that use masks occasionally for things like social acceptance.  This person is not generally socially accepted and is the butt of jokes, referred to as a Billy Liar or a fool. Yet this person craves acceptance more than most, hence they have developed all these masks. In that situation I believe wearing a mask is very unhealthy.

CONCLUSION

We will all continue to wear masks as a coping mechanism, BUT remember they are only to deal with certain situations and should only be used for a small period of time. IF WE WANT TO BE TRUE TO OURSELVES.

MASKS

 

Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a thousand masks,

and none of them are me.

 

Don't be fooled. For God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game.

 

And that I need no one. But don't believe me.

Beneath dwells the real me in confusions, in aloneness, in fear.

 

That's why I create a mask to hide behind, to shield me from the glance that knows, but such a glance is precisely my salvation.

 

That is, if it's followed by acceptance, If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls

 

I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing and that I'm just no good, and that you will reject me.

 

And so begins the parade of masks, I idly chatter to you, I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.

 

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying.

 

I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and "me".

 

But you've got to help me. You've got to hold my hand.

 

Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart beings to grow wings, feeble wings but wings.

 

With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding.

 

You alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty.

 

It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back but I'm told that Love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my only hope.

 

Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, but gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

 

Who am I , you may wonder.

 

I AM EVERY MAN YOU MEET, AND ALSO EVERY WOMAN THAT YOU MEET AND I AM YOU ALSO.

 

Anon.



REFLECTION .................

                                       Picture by Tom Hussey  - Reflections collection


This morning I was standing in front of my wardrobe mirror, looking at my reflection, (not a pretty sight :-) ) in front of me was a female of 50, in her own little terrace house with her ever faithful cat Tilli.  As I looked, I reflected on my pass, all the dreams and expectations I had as a teenage  to what I would have done in my life before I was 50.  I realised that none of the path I thought I would have followed had happen.  Do I have regrets! Yes I do, but in the words of the classic Frank Sinatra song My Way......

 

 

Regrets, I've had a few,

But then again, too few to mention

 

 

THE WAY THINGS WERE.

 

Growing up in the 1960's and 1970's  there still quite a divide between what was expected of a female and a male, a divide which doesn't really exist in certain country anymore.  So much so, that even the toys we would play with were sort of dictated to us or even how we dressed,  Although girls were being to wear trousers more and more it was still expected that dresses and skirts would be worn, as for toys and things, the boys had the chopper bike, girls a smaller version often referred to as a clipper. In the Christmas stocking if lucky as a girl you would receive a tiny tears or Sindy dolls,  a Twinkle or Jackie annual,  if you were a boy chances you would get something like Subbuteo  and Action man figures with roaming eyes and gripping hands (mmm that may explain a few things :-) )  with a Whizzer and Chips annual or Shoot annual. 

 

 

 



At school it tended to be mandatory for the girls to do Domestic Science (cooking) and Needlework, where the boys did Metalwork and Woodwork though by the time I got to secondary school I could opt for Metalwork and Woodwork as well, which I did, must admit it has come in handy ref DIY in my little terrace.

 

EXPECTATIONS AND DREAMS THAT FORMED.

 

It was still very much when you had your career advise, that as a girl the work you were directed too tended to be administration based,  a Clerk, a Receptionist, Typist/Secretary, Shop worker,  Unless you were in the A band, than you maybe luck enough to go to University and study to do something different Teaching, possibly if lucky a Doctor.  Even though the workplace was being to open up to more opportunities for women.

 

But back at the age of 13 in 1975 the idea of doing something different wasn't really encourage, the Victorian attitude still existed a certain degree where a woman may work but it was expected that she should than get married and bring up children etc.

 

So, because of that at 13 my dreams and expectations were formed, influenced by this attitude.  I would got to work for a short while where upon I would meet the man of my dreams and fall in love, get married, I would be a housewife have children and raise them, I would grow old with the man of my dreams and live happy ever after, maintaining my slim figure and not go all mumsy. I would discuss this with my girlfriends and we all tended to have the same dream and expectations. Also if I ever got to 50 (which was such an old age ) I would be looking after my Grandchildren on occasions.  Everything would be perfect a life full of romance and happiness. picture perfect.

 

How far removed from those dreams and expectation is what did happen.  I have to smile at the naivety of my thoughts and how the world has changed and how it allows women to have bigger dreams and expectations.

THE PATH I ACTUALLY TOOK

On leaving school I started on the path I thought I would follow, I have a boyfriend, we were close as close as you could be at that age,  I had been employed by a Building Society on a probation period waiting for my exam result to allow me day release at college. Unfortunately I didn't get the qualification required so the job didn't last long, I then worked in a TV rental shop, while I was there I went to the 21st Birthday of my second cousin, at her birthday I had a conversation that would change my life and lead me on a totally different path.  My cousin Helen was in the Women's Royal Navy Service (WRNS) as a female rating that repaired helicopters.  The stories she told me of her life, had me enthralled why had nobody told me about this kind of work.  I had looked briefly at becoming a Police woman, but there was a height restriction, so that was out of the question, but this job had no height restriction,  It was round 1982 and the Navy had been in the news due to the Falklands.

So off I trotted to the recruitment office and signed up, as a Radio Operator, I was as pleased as punch, I was living in a small village in Leicestershire, and it became the talk of the village, that I was going into the forces as no one else male or female of my generation had enlisted.

So on the 17th January 1983 at the age 20 I started in WRNS taking a totally different path than that I have envisioned as 13 year old girl, I was now unbelievably on a career path.  I served for a total of 14 years, in which I moved up the ranks.  After I left I ended up working for the Police, as the forces first female civilian Scene of Crime Officer/CSI. Which I have now been doing for nearly 17 years.

 

 

 

WHAT OF LOVE AND FAMILY

 

I dated some very nice guys over the years, but I don't really think I have ever been truly in love, yet have felt broken hearted. As I have had very fond feeling for them, I think the only thing that has remained with me from the age of 13 is from the daydreaming discussions with my girlfriends, about falling in love and what it would mean, so basically falling in love with love as I saw it. So, even at the age of 50 I'm not really sure of what true love for a partner is, or if I'm capable of it.  As for a family, I haven't any children of my own I do have beautiful Godchildren which I love as if they are my own. So I really haven't lost out there.

 

 

NEVER SAY NEVER

 

As I stood in front of that mirror and had these thoughts, the conclusion I ended up with was I have had a life that many people may envy, I've travelled, I experience  all sort of different things in both my job, some if I told you about I would have to shoot you!  I had my up's and down's like everyone else, but truth be told, I wouldn't really change the path I ended up trending.  Also, you never know I may get my original dreams in my twilight years, as 50 is now the new 40, so plenty of time, I may meet the man of my dreams, who show me what it is to be really in love, but this time it may not be my children and Grandchildren, but step children and step Grandchildren.  Strangers things have happen!!!.

 

 





PART 2 THE INVISIBLE ILLNESS (TIME TO TALK)

WHERE I'M AT....

One of the first post in my blog was a small insight into my personal experience of Endogenous Depression. http://bit.ly/1cPhxnq

In which, I said that I was due to return to work after being signed off sick, very shortly.  Well the actually D-Day is now only 5 days away.

 

Although, I feel ready to return, I can feel my anxiety levels raising slightly, at the thought, also my sleep pattern is slightly disturbed after just settling back down.

The reason why!  is apprehension. Because with this type of depression you have negative thoughts, so questions are aways forming in my mind like:

 

How will people act towards me ?

What will they say to me?

Will they be judgemental ?

Will they be empathic ?

Will they want a full explanation for my absent ?

Will they just ignore me ?

 

To many of you, this may seem strange, but in the mind of an Endogenous Depressive, they are quite valid questions.  Yet, to be honest I expect everything will be OK. but it doesn't stop those thoughts coming to the surface.  I am sure that many people who have suffered this illness have had those sort of thoughts prior to returning to work.

 

STIGMA

Unfortunately, there is stigma attached to being diagnosed with Mental Health problems.  My personal thought is that the word "Mental" instils' fear. As the word "Mental" isn't seen as it's actual definition.

 

MENTAL - Of or relating to the mind

Executed or performed by the mind

 

BUT is associated with the urban dictionary definitions:

 

Insane

Sick

Crazy

Psycho

Nonsensical

Looney

Attention seeking

Wacky

Fickle

Moody

the list goes on, all negative descriptive words.

 

I wouldn't personally describe myself as any of the above negative descriptions. (Some might disagree :-) )

 

Yet, I am a person who suffers from an illness called Endogenous Depression, because I have an in-balance of bio-chemicals the neurotransmitters (Endogenous chemicals) in my brain which are low or become low.  This causes me to have a negative style of thoughts about myself, which can result in low self-esteem, low confidence levels, which can be exasperated by genetic, psychological, emotional, environmental and social factors. 

 

 

 

Shhhhhhhhh!!!

 

So, basically I have an illness, it's as straight forward as that !.  Yet, unlike someone who has diabetes, crohn's disease, or even cancer. Chances are that you would be quite happily talk to them, even discuss their illness if they wish, asking question how do they cope,  how does it effect their day to day life and feel at ease in doing so.  But then put yourself in front of a person who you are aware has a mental health problem, the chances are the subject is a NO GO AREA, maybe because of the fear that, if you mention it, it will set them off, tears, or they will throw a wobbly which is associated with this stigma of being diagnoses with this illness.   You couldn't be more wrong!

 

IT'S TIME TO TALK.

Shortly after posting my first post on this subject, a friend drew my attention to a campaign which is attempting to make people more aware and reduce the stigma that goes with mental health problems.  It is called  Time to Change  it was established in 2007 and supported by MIND and RETHINK MENTAL ILLINESS,  they are promoting the strapline "It's time to talk," it is endorsed my many celebrities that have suffered themselves.  I am ashamed I wasn't aware of this campaign till I was told about it,  it is an excellent campaign.  On their Facebook page and website have some very good information and advise.

I am posting the links to both, so you can have a look yourselves,  and I hope you share the information.

Time to change website 

 

 

 

Time to change Facebook page 

 

 



 





I hope you have enjoyed my ramblings on this subject, giving you pause for thought. I sincerely hope you take the opportunity to look at both the website and Facebook page, on this subject.  

 

On a personal note thank you for reading this post.

 

 









 



FRIENDS - What kind our yours?

There is a saying that if you can count your true friends on one hand, then you are a lucky person.

There are two people in my life who I would say hand on heart are my true friends. So I am a lucky person.  One, I met after I moved to York, that is Jackie, she started working in the local shop about 10 years ago, I used to see her in there and strike up a conversation with her, every time I went in.  I discovered that she was actually trained as a hairdresser, but had taken up working in the shop, as a part time job because she had a young son.  So I asked her if she would be willing to cut my hair. She agreed. From that moment on a beautiful true friendship developed.  

The other, I met while I was in the Navy.  She doesn't live as close, and so I don't see her often as Jackie.  Though, we speak to each other every week if we can, or visit.

I met Simone while I was based in Faslane, Scotland.  I was in the galley (communal dining room) when I saw this young girl holding her tray looking around and lost, so I invited her to sit down at the same table as me, that was the start of our beautiful friendship, which has lasted over 20 years so far, from which I have become the extremely proud Godmother to her children. I love both these women with all my heart.

I believe there are different circles of friends we have in our lives, see if you agree:

BEST FRIENDS.

I have just introduced you to my best friends, these are the friends that I trust with every aspect of my life.  These are the friends that you would put your life on the line for, you share all your aspirations, dreams and disappointments with, you also have a non-verbal connection with.  You never have to ask if they need help, you instinctively know, so are there by their sides like a shot.  You never judge them, you accept them for exactly who they are, faults and all.  More importantly, they reciprocate, by treating you the same. 

FRIENDS

These are the individuals that you are close to, you share the same sort of things as you do with you best friend, but not as in depth, you hold things back With these friends you don't have the same non verbal communication, but if they asked for help, you would be there for them no questions asked.   They are the friends, who, if you haven't seen them for a while, you will continue exactly where you left off, the last time you saw or talked to each other. As if no time had passed.  Again this is reciprocated by them. 

 MATES/ACQUAINTANCES.

Chances are this will be the biggest circle of "friends" in your life.  These are the individuals that you refer to as friends in conversations, they are the ones that you have a good rapport with, you know the basics about them, but you haven't got the same relationship with, as you have with your best friends or friends.

You usually meet and know them through work/college/university or through social interaction.   These are the individuals that you may call up to go out with, have a laugh with and enjoy their company.  But there is no real intimacy with, where you can share secrets etc.  Although, there is a strong chance that from this type of "friend" (which you can look at, as a baseline), you will end up obtaining your friends and best friends. 

FAIR-WEATHER/FAUX FRIEND.

We have or have had this type of "friend" in our circle of friends.  The one that you and you alone have to constantly work on the friendship, the "friend" that completely drains you,  as they constantly take from you, but you never really give anything back.

You only tend to hear from them when they WANT something, they see you as a provider.  They are all sweetness and light when they contact you, making all the right noises, asking how you are, how things are going, but as soon as you respond, they switch off, till they find the opportunity to bring the conversation round to themselves, where they can talk about themselves to their hearts desire, eventually getting round to what they WANT from you. 

Because, we are who we are, we tolerate these individuals for a time, as we hope that they may come to realise that they can be your friend without the cloak and dagger games; then once they had established that friendship, helping them or providing them with something they want, comes hand in hand. Saying that, they must realise that there does come a point where they will have to give as well as take.   If this time doesn't appear to come, it is time to rid yourself of this supposed "friend", as they will always continue to drain and use you.

 

Our brief acquaintance was such a mistake
Now it seems more like a sentence
Or something you always had to fake

                                                                                



                                                                            (Lyrics from It's time - Elvis Costello)


Friendship is a very important part of all our life, something we should all treasure.

 

DISCOVER TALENTED INDIE AUTHORS (you maybe missing out on a great book!)

The other day I came across a really good blog post by author Sara Barton inspired by a comment she received on a review about her book. "wasn't bad, for an indie"

Sara Barton's Blog Post

 In the last 18 months I have been thrown into the world of the indie author as I have been assisting a friend with the marketing side of his books.

Have you ever heard or picked up a book by Terry Tyler, Richard Stephenson, Christopher Shields and my friend John Donoghue.  Each one is a self-published author who have a large numbers of 5 Star reviews for their books, from the people who have discovered them via word of mouth or social networking site and discovered how talented they are. 

 I have seen first hand how hard it is for them to get noticed or taken seriously as authors, it isn't because they aren't talented or have a good story to tell, their reviews prove they are and have, it because the majority of the general public (the readers) don't hear about them, because they haven't got a large publishing house behind them, with the financial clot to advertise the product or produce a major marketing campaign.

These author's have to work really hard to market their books so people will notice and pick up a copy to read.  I know how just how hard they work, I only do it part time, as I have a full time job, but it takes up most of my spare time, even more so recently, as my friend has just released a new book, to assist him getting the book noticed, I have been working with him in tweeting promos as well as sending publicity emails to magazines and book reviewers etc. in total approximate 120 emails have been send of all of those approximately 10 have replied, as he isn't a mainstream publishing house author. Even though his previous book has over 285 5 star reviews, which indicates those people who have picked up a copy and read it have loved it.

With social networking sites, these author's are at last finding a platform to market their books, which isn't a big strain on their pockets, as well as personally interacting with their readers.  But still are being over looked by many, as they aren't publically known. So end up disappearing into the abyss.

Recently, there has been news stories about JK Rowling.  Which proves the point that an "unknown" author can easily be over looked.   She decided to release her new book called The Cuckoo's Calling under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith.  It is reported that the book only sold 400 copies prior to it being "leaked" it was actually written by JK Rowling.  Now is selling fast and receiving 5* reviews.  It makes you wonder, if it hadn't been leaked that she wrote it, how many people would have brought a copy with the minimum amount of advertising it was given.

So how can you discover these talented authors and sample their work ?  Many of these authors as previously stated market on the social networking sites.  If you are an avid reader and want to try something new, you can search these site quite easily. 

TWITTER   -  Enter in #discover search box enter any of these hashtags,   #ASMSG #BYNR #AMENL #BOOK  this will give you a large amount of tweets from indie authors promoting their books

FACEBOOK - Enter  Books, Authors  or anything connected with writing, this will bring up a whole list of pages and groups that you can browse.

Remember now days you can open up or download a Free sample read of these books to see if it draws you in or whether it's not for you.

FINALLY If you do find a book you have decided to read from the vast array of talent out there, don't forget to leave a review, there is nothing better for an author than someone reviewing their book.  Whether, it be positive or indifferent, as both can be good for an aspiring author.

Here are the links to the indie author's I have mentioned.



Terry Tyler Authors page

 

Richard Stephenson's authors page 

 

Christopher Shields Authors page 

 

And last but not least my good friend

 

John Donoghue's Authors page 

 

 

 

 

 

ARMCHAIR FRIENDS ONLY - COULD THIS BE WHAT IS IN STORE FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS?

This morning like I expect many of you out there, I woke up and after a few minutes reached for my phone to check what my friends had to say overnight on both Facebook and Twitter.

Once I had satisfied myself with this cursory glance.  I put on the kettle for a brew, then opened up my laptop, to have a more in-depth look on my social network accounts.  Liking, sharing, commenting, re-tweeting and marking as favourites. Once that was complete I checked my e-mail accounts for emails of note from friends ........
Job Done.!

I say my friends, maybe it would be more apt to refer to them as my armchair friends.

When you look at the number of friends you have on Facebook or Twitter, how many do you actually know personally in the true definition of a friend

A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Out of my 273 listed friends on Facebook, I only have 5 personal friends, out of my 344 twitter friends, only 1 (and that is a new friendship and in the process of growing). By personal, I am referring actual knowing the person and having this bond.  I dare say it is the same for many of you that are reading this. Yet on these sites we join in conversations as if we were sitting around a table with a drink in hand chatting with our mates.   We share private thoughts in private conversations as if we are chatting to a close friend down the phone or in person.  We congratulate people on their achievements, wish them Happy Birthday. Yet in reality these are people we have never met or likely to meet. But what do we really know about these individuals, we are sharing our thoughts, dreams and aspirations with, we only know then from what they have decided to tell us about themselves, from that, we make the judgement whether we continue to share our private thoughts with them. I'm sure we have all met that person online,  with whom we have built up a rapport,  they appear to share the same interests as you, they make you laugh  etc.  You begin to converse on a regular basics in private typed conversations.  It maybe a person of the opposite sex, you question each other on their life and loves, you may even start flirting and even more.  In this scenario they say their single, attracted to you etc.  BUT are they being honest with you.  You have to take it on face value they are, after all, you're developing a friendship now, friends don't lie to each other, do they! Let's take a moment to go back in time, on how we used to make friends. You meet this same person on a evening out, face to face, once again you strike up this fantastic rapport.  You asked the same questions about their life and loves, but this time you have eye contact.  The person gives the same replies, yet this time a warning light goes off in your head. THEY ARE LYING. Why did this warning light go off?  While you were having this conversation in person, you were subconsciously reading them, their body language, their facial expressions.  Something the we all learn subconsciously as children and develop through social interaction.  Yet, when you are behind a keyboard you don't have this built in warning system.  You have relying on the other person being totally honest.  I hear so often these days, parent's complaining about their children are shy, introvert, then in the same breathe, moaning about the time they spend on their computers, playing  games with their online friends. Or chatting on social network sites.   Then when the family is in the company of others, the child has no social interaction with these people, they can't hold  a conversations, their heads are down, they rather be playing with their handheld gaming devices or on a tablet/phone. Also, they don't go out climbing trees, making dens, interact with children their own age in a game of footie, role playing Cops and Robber, Cowboys and Indians or playing dress up with their friends as Fairy Princesses This makes me think, what is it really going to be like for future generations, with all this technology around, will they have the ability to make true physical friends rather than armchair friends, will they have the ability to socially interact with other people as they grow up, will they have the ability to subconsciously read body language and facial expressions to allow them to read emotions, or alert them to danger.  Or will this have to be put on the school curriculum  as they are unable to learn naturally.  It's a possibility, a frightening one at that!. In answer to the question "Could this be what is in store for future generations?" I sincerely hope not.

THE INVISIBLE ILLNESS (What do you mean you're ill, it's all in your head)

The invisible illness I am referring to, is that of Depression/Anxiety.  Like many illnesses, it is invisible to the human eye, but unlike many other illnesses which we can't physically see, people don't regard it as a serious illness, one that can be crippling to the individual suffering from it.

For example: if someone told you they had Cancer, you would be aware of what it was, so you wouldn't question their illness, or query or comment on anything they do while they were absent from work.  But, even in these modern times, when we are supposed to have a better understand of mental health,  if a person is absent from work suffering from depression/anxiety/stress, people constantly question their actions, or make throw away comments about the individual and even HR departments don't adjust their procedures when dealing with a member of staff is suffering from depression, as they would with a person with a Cancer.   It's worth remembering at the end of the day the result of Cancer or Depression can be the same.

Did you know:

1 in 4 British adults experience at least one diagnosable mental health problem in any one year, and 1 in 6 experiences this at any given time.
(The Office for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report, 2001)

Although mental disorders are widespread, serious cases are concentrated among a relatively small proportion of people who experience more than one mental health problem. (The British Journal of Psychiatry, 2005)

It is estimated that approximately 450 million people worldwide have a mental health problem.  (World Health Organisation, 2001)

Women are more likely to suffer from mental health problems than men.

The reason I have decided to do this post, is to highlight how other peoples lack of a real understanding of this illness can effects the sufferer, as well as giving you a personal insight on how depression/anxiety affects the sufferer.

My Story:

I am about to return to work after being off work for approximately 3 months, after being diagnosed with depression/anxiety  Over the last 17 years, I have unfortunately be prone to a few bouts of depression/anxiety due to circumstances in my life.

I could feel this bout coming on, but tried to soldier on, as I didn't want to appear weak and give in to it, I thought I could beat it and get pass it, more than anything didn't want to have time of work and effect my sickness record, I suffered in silence, but trying to cope did take its toll, with major changes at work, I began to feel isolated, I would turn up for work and find myself on my own for 8-9 hours with no social interaction with work colleagues then return to an empty house, lock the door, being left with only my own thoughts.  The little self-esteem and confidence I had in myself, my abilities and worth, slowly ebbed away.   I did make the attempt to get myself out of my house and try to socialize, to break those feelings of isolation, but fear of rejection top with a slight paranoia made me retreat to my bolt-hole of my four walls. 

Then came the day when the smallest of things occurred, it was so small as well as stupid, but it was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak.  I was on my days off and popped to the local shop, I saw a young mum and her child at the bus stop, I passed the time of day with the mother, then went to the shop, on my return the little boy approximately 6 years old, shouted to get my attention, I turn round to see he had placed his forefinger to the side of his forehead in a circular motion and shouted "you're a nutter", maybe it was because of my state of mind at the time, that one action cause the floodgates to my suppressed emotions to open wide, causing me to fall to my knees in floods of tears.

The tears continued to flow for the next 24hrs, making me realise I really needed help.  The next day, I put on a brave face, taking myself to work.  In my job we have a welfare department within the first half hour, I had contacted then asking for a meeting.  Lucky for me, a member of staff was in my area that afternoon.  I then approached my manager to inform her of what was happening, I felt defeated because I couldn't handle this myself.  I had my meeting, where I was advised to contact my GP to make an appointment soonest.  I managed to get an appointment within 24hrs.   Resulting in me being signed off work, armed with medication and given the advise I had to try and help myself, to get out of my house (my bolt-hole, where I would be prone to self analysis every thought that came into my head), even if it was as small as going for a coffee where there would be people around.

The reactions of others - Can be a Hindrance ?

Within a couple of days, I started receiving phone calls from work in the guise of welfare checks (HR procedure), but the calls quickly reverted to when would I be back, with this came, this is what you can do and this is what we will do scenarios.  When you are not well it is the last thing you want to talk about,  especially as part of your illness includes the feeling of guilt for being off work.  It can cause the symptoms you are feeling, like anxiety to exasperate, which could delay the recovery process to allow you to return to work, or even have a blackmailing effect to force you to return back to work before you are ready, causing you to have a second breakdown.

Prior to being signed off, I had arranged to go to some social events, one being a large family barbeque to celebrate my cousins partner being told she had gone into remission, also I had purchase tickets to see Elvis Costello on his UK tour six months previously, which I had really been looking forward too.  So I decided to go to these events just as the doctor ordered.  My big mistake, was that I posted photographs of these two things on my Facebook page.

Why was it a big mistake, you may ask.  Simply, it allowed work colleagues who workloads had  increase due to my absent, to make throw away comments in the office with gusto, in ear shot other people, like  "that there is nothing wrong with her, she out all the time". (you will be surprised what gets filtered back)

Well I'm sorry!  you aren't me, you weren't at that barbeque. Where even though I was with family who I love, spent most of the time in the kitchen preparing the food for the barbeque because I couldn't cope with making conversation as I found myself stuttering, drifting off into an empty space in my head because I couldn't follow the conversations, feeling tense and frightened. You weren't there at the gig, where my nerves caused me to want to curl into a ball so no one would see me, feeling physically sick and sweating, fearing I was being judged because I was there on my own, just waiting for the lights to go down, so I could relax and enjoy what I had come for, the music.

Those sort of throw away comments, do affect a sufferer, they hurt as the individual can feel they are being judged and being accused of being a lying. Due to this type illness, they can not just bat off as nothing, but these are the sort of things that will be mulled over time and time again. Causing a downward spiral to their recovery.

What I hope can be learnt from my story.

Where managers and HR procedures are concerned, if someone is signed off with depression/anxiety please consider their state of mind when contacting them on a welfare check, think about whether it is it the right time to bring up the subject of returning to work,  if they have been signed off, the chances are it will be for 2 weeks initially, but the chances of them returning to work after this time, is quite remote.   Wait to get a indication from the sufferer that they are ready to discuss returning to work, they will. They don't need the pressure of extra guilt to hinder their recovery.  They maybe a number on your duties list, but they are also human beings.

To those who make comments on the activities of the individual that is off sick, make sure you have all the facts, just because externally there is no physical signs, internally there is normally turmoil. Those comments do have a way of filtering back to the person, hindering the recovery process.  Something, you may never understand, unless you have been there.  It's like the saying "never a judge a book by it's cover"

I may not be 100% better, but I am well on the way, with patience, counselling to assist me in forming coping mechanisms when I feel I am spiralling downwards, I will get there. But at the same time I have to accept I will always be prone to bouts of depression/anxiety, and it is not a WEAKNESS.

DECIDED TO GIVE IT A GO

I don't profess to being a writer of any kind, what I am is a single 50 year old woman, who has decided to give blogging a go.

When mulling over starting a blog, I thought I better decide what kind of blog I should do.

 

 

 

Should I go down the intellectual route.

 

 

 

 

Or do I go down the comical route.

 

Then there was the naughty/saucy/sexy route

 

 

 

Or choose a particular topic Books/Music

 

 





 

So after much thought why not just include everything, so my blog is one I can rant,rave, write about anything I want, which may interest people, might make others yawn.

So here goes.....................................Those of you that come across it I hope you like, comments good and bad are welcome.