REFLECTION .................

                                       Picture by Tom Hussey  - Reflections collection


This morning I was standing in front of my wardrobe mirror, looking at my reflection, (not a pretty sight :-) ) in front of me was a female of 50, in her own little terrace house with her ever faithful cat Tilli.  As I looked, I reflected on my pass, all the dreams and expectations I had as a teenage  to what I would have done in my life before I was 50.  I realised that none of the path I thought I would have followed had happen.  Do I have regrets! Yes I do, but in the words of the classic Frank Sinatra song My Way......

 

 

Regrets, I've had a few,

But then again, too few to mention

 

 

THE WAY THINGS WERE.

 

Growing up in the 1960's and 1970's  there still quite a divide between what was expected of a female and a male, a divide which doesn't really exist in certain country anymore.  So much so, that even the toys we would play with were sort of dictated to us or even how we dressed,  Although girls were being to wear trousers more and more it was still expected that dresses and skirts would be worn, as for toys and things, the boys had the chopper bike, girls a smaller version often referred to as a clipper. In the Christmas stocking if lucky as a girl you would receive a tiny tears or Sindy dolls,  a Twinkle or Jackie annual,  if you were a boy chances you would get something like Subbuteo  and Action man figures with roaming eyes and gripping hands (mmm that may explain a few things :-) )  with a Whizzer and Chips annual or Shoot annual. 

 

 

 



At school it tended to be mandatory for the girls to do Domestic Science (cooking) and Needlework, where the boys did Metalwork and Woodwork though by the time I got to secondary school I could opt for Metalwork and Woodwork as well, which I did, must admit it has come in handy ref DIY in my little terrace.

 

EXPECTATIONS AND DREAMS THAT FORMED.

 

It was still very much when you had your career advise, that as a girl the work you were directed too tended to be administration based,  a Clerk, a Receptionist, Typist/Secretary, Shop worker,  Unless you were in the A band, than you maybe luck enough to go to University and study to do something different Teaching, possibly if lucky a Doctor.  Even though the workplace was being to open up to more opportunities for women.

 

But back at the age of 13 in 1975 the idea of doing something different wasn't really encourage, the Victorian attitude still existed a certain degree where a woman may work but it was expected that she should than get married and bring up children etc.

 

So, because of that at 13 my dreams and expectations were formed, influenced by this attitude.  I would got to work for a short while where upon I would meet the man of my dreams and fall in love, get married, I would be a housewife have children and raise them, I would grow old with the man of my dreams and live happy ever after, maintaining my slim figure and not go all mumsy. I would discuss this with my girlfriends and we all tended to have the same dream and expectations. Also if I ever got to 50 (which was such an old age ) I would be looking after my Grandchildren on occasions.  Everything would be perfect a life full of romance and happiness. picture perfect.

 

How far removed from those dreams and expectation is what did happen.  I have to smile at the naivety of my thoughts and how the world has changed and how it allows women to have bigger dreams and expectations.

THE PATH I ACTUALLY TOOK

On leaving school I started on the path I thought I would follow, I have a boyfriend, we were close as close as you could be at that age,  I had been employed by a Building Society on a probation period waiting for my exam result to allow me day release at college. Unfortunately I didn't get the qualification required so the job didn't last long, I then worked in a TV rental shop, while I was there I went to the 21st Birthday of my second cousin, at her birthday I had a conversation that would change my life and lead me on a totally different path.  My cousin Helen was in the Women's Royal Navy Service (WRNS) as a female rating that repaired helicopters.  The stories she told me of her life, had me enthralled why had nobody told me about this kind of work.  I had looked briefly at becoming a Police woman, but there was a height restriction, so that was out of the question, but this job had no height restriction,  It was round 1982 and the Navy had been in the news due to the Falklands.

So off I trotted to the recruitment office and signed up, as a Radio Operator, I was as pleased as punch, I was living in a small village in Leicestershire, and it became the talk of the village, that I was going into the forces as no one else male or female of my generation had enlisted.

So on the 17th January 1983 at the age 20 I started in WRNS taking a totally different path than that I have envisioned as 13 year old girl, I was now unbelievably on a career path.  I served for a total of 14 years, in which I moved up the ranks.  After I left I ended up working for the Police, as the forces first female civilian Scene of Crime Officer/CSI. Which I have now been doing for nearly 17 years.

 

 

 

WHAT OF LOVE AND FAMILY

 

I dated some very nice guys over the years, but I don't really think I have ever been truly in love, yet have felt broken hearted. As I have had very fond feeling for them, I think the only thing that has remained with me from the age of 13 is from the daydreaming discussions with my girlfriends, about falling in love and what it would mean, so basically falling in love with love as I saw it. So, even at the age of 50 I'm not really sure of what true love for a partner is, or if I'm capable of it.  As for a family, I haven't any children of my own I do have beautiful Godchildren which I love as if they are my own. So I really haven't lost out there.

 

 

NEVER SAY NEVER

 

As I stood in front of that mirror and had these thoughts, the conclusion I ended up with was I have had a life that many people may envy, I've travelled, I experience  all sort of different things in both my job, some if I told you about I would have to shoot you!  I had my up's and down's like everyone else, but truth be told, I wouldn't really change the path I ended up trending.  Also, you never know I may get my original dreams in my twilight years, as 50 is now the new 40, so plenty of time, I may meet the man of my dreams, who show me what it is to be really in love, but this time it may not be my children and Grandchildren, but step children and step Grandchildren.  Strangers things have happen!!!.

 

 





FRIENDS - What kind our yours?

There is a saying that if you can count your true friends on one hand, then you are a lucky person.

There are two people in my life who I would say hand on heart are my true friends. So I am a lucky person.  One, I met after I moved to York, that is Jackie, she started working in the local shop about 10 years ago, I used to see her in there and strike up a conversation with her, every time I went in.  I discovered that she was actually trained as a hairdresser, but had taken up working in the shop, as a part time job because she had a young son.  So I asked her if she would be willing to cut my hair. She agreed. From that moment on a beautiful true friendship developed.  

The other, I met while I was in the Navy.  She doesn't live as close, and so I don't see her often as Jackie.  Though, we speak to each other every week if we can, or visit.

I met Simone while I was based in Faslane, Scotland.  I was in the galley (communal dining room) when I saw this young girl holding her tray looking around and lost, so I invited her to sit down at the same table as me, that was the start of our beautiful friendship, which has lasted over 20 years so far, from which I have become the extremely proud Godmother to her children. I love both these women with all my heart.

I believe there are different circles of friends we have in our lives, see if you agree:

BEST FRIENDS.

I have just introduced you to my best friends, these are the friends that I trust with every aspect of my life.  These are the friends that you would put your life on the line for, you share all your aspirations, dreams and disappointments with, you also have a non-verbal connection with.  You never have to ask if they need help, you instinctively know, so are there by their sides like a shot.  You never judge them, you accept them for exactly who they are, faults and all.  More importantly, they reciprocate, by treating you the same. 

FRIENDS

These are the individuals that you are close to, you share the same sort of things as you do with you best friend, but not as in depth, you hold things back With these friends you don't have the same non verbal communication, but if they asked for help, you would be there for them no questions asked.   They are the friends, who, if you haven't seen them for a while, you will continue exactly where you left off, the last time you saw or talked to each other. As if no time had passed.  Again this is reciprocated by them. 

 MATES/ACQUAINTANCES.

Chances are this will be the biggest circle of "friends" in your life.  These are the individuals that you refer to as friends in conversations, they are the ones that you have a good rapport with, you know the basics about them, but you haven't got the same relationship with, as you have with your best friends or friends.

You usually meet and know them through work/college/university or through social interaction.   These are the individuals that you may call up to go out with, have a laugh with and enjoy their company.  But there is no real intimacy with, where you can share secrets etc.  Although, there is a strong chance that from this type of "friend" (which you can look at, as a baseline), you will end up obtaining your friends and best friends. 

FAIR-WEATHER/FAUX FRIEND.

We have or have had this type of "friend" in our circle of friends.  The one that you and you alone have to constantly work on the friendship, the "friend" that completely drains you,  as they constantly take from you, but you never really give anything back.

You only tend to hear from them when they WANT something, they see you as a provider.  They are all sweetness and light when they contact you, making all the right noises, asking how you are, how things are going, but as soon as you respond, they switch off, till they find the opportunity to bring the conversation round to themselves, where they can talk about themselves to their hearts desire, eventually getting round to what they WANT from you. 

Because, we are who we are, we tolerate these individuals for a time, as we hope that they may come to realise that they can be your friend without the cloak and dagger games; then once they had established that friendship, helping them or providing them with something they want, comes hand in hand. Saying that, they must realise that there does come a point where they will have to give as well as take.   If this time doesn't appear to come, it is time to rid yourself of this supposed "friend", as they will always continue to drain and use you.

 

Our brief acquaintance was such a mistake
Now it seems more like a sentence
Or something you always had to fake

                                                                                



                                                                            (Lyrics from It's time - Elvis Costello)


Friendship is a very important part of all our life, something we should all treasure.