THE INVISIBLE ILLNESS (What do you mean you're ill, it's all in your head)

The invisible illness I am referring to, is that of Depression/Anxiety.  Like many illnesses, it is invisible to the human eye, but unlike many other illnesses which we can't physically see, people don't regard it as a serious illness, one that can be crippling to the individual suffering from it.

For example: if someone told you they had Cancer, you would be aware of what it was, so you wouldn't question their illness, or query or comment on anything they do while they were absent from work.  But, even in these modern times, when we are supposed to have a better understand of mental health,  if a person is absent from work suffering from depression/anxiety/stress, people constantly question their actions, or make throw away comments about the individual and even HR departments don't adjust their procedures when dealing with a member of staff is suffering from depression, as they would with a person with a Cancer.   It's worth remembering at the end of the day the result of Cancer or Depression can be the same.

Did you know:

1 in 4 British adults experience at least one diagnosable mental health problem in any one year, and 1 in 6 experiences this at any given time.
(The Office for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report, 2001)

Although mental disorders are widespread, serious cases are concentrated among a relatively small proportion of people who experience more than one mental health problem. (The British Journal of Psychiatry, 2005)

It is estimated that approximately 450 million people worldwide have a mental health problem.  (World Health Organisation, 2001)

Women are more likely to suffer from mental health problems than men.

The reason I have decided to do this post, is to highlight how other peoples lack of a real understanding of this illness can effects the sufferer, as well as giving you a personal insight on how depression/anxiety affects the sufferer.

My Story:

I am about to return to work after being off work for approximately 3 months, after being diagnosed with depression/anxiety  Over the last 17 years, I have unfortunately be prone to a few bouts of depression/anxiety due to circumstances in my life.

I could feel this bout coming on, but tried to soldier on, as I didn't want to appear weak and give in to it, I thought I could beat it and get pass it, more than anything didn't want to have time of work and effect my sickness record, I suffered in silence, but trying to cope did take its toll, with major changes at work, I began to feel isolated, I would turn up for work and find myself on my own for 8-9 hours with no social interaction with work colleagues then return to an empty house, lock the door, being left with only my own thoughts.  The little self-esteem and confidence I had in myself, my abilities and worth, slowly ebbed away.   I did make the attempt to get myself out of my house and try to socialize, to break those feelings of isolation, but fear of rejection top with a slight paranoia made me retreat to my bolt-hole of my four walls. 

Then came the day when the smallest of things occurred, it was so small as well as stupid, but it was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak.  I was on my days off and popped to the local shop, I saw a young mum and her child at the bus stop, I passed the time of day with the mother, then went to the shop, on my return the little boy approximately 6 years old, shouted to get my attention, I turn round to see he had placed his forefinger to the side of his forehead in a circular motion and shouted "you're a nutter", maybe it was because of my state of mind at the time, that one action cause the floodgates to my suppressed emotions to open wide, causing me to fall to my knees in floods of tears.

The tears continued to flow for the next 24hrs, making me realise I really needed help.  The next day, I put on a brave face, taking myself to work.  In my job we have a welfare department within the first half hour, I had contacted then asking for a meeting.  Lucky for me, a member of staff was in my area that afternoon.  I then approached my manager to inform her of what was happening, I felt defeated because I couldn't handle this myself.  I had my meeting, where I was advised to contact my GP to make an appointment soonest.  I managed to get an appointment within 24hrs.   Resulting in me being signed off work, armed with medication and given the advise I had to try and help myself, to get out of my house (my bolt-hole, where I would be prone to self analysis every thought that came into my head), even if it was as small as going for a coffee where there would be people around.

The reactions of others - Can be a Hindrance ?

Within a couple of days, I started receiving phone calls from work in the guise of welfare checks (HR procedure), but the calls quickly reverted to when would I be back, with this came, this is what you can do and this is what we will do scenarios.  When you are not well it is the last thing you want to talk about,  especially as part of your illness includes the feeling of guilt for being off work.  It can cause the symptoms you are feeling, like anxiety to exasperate, which could delay the recovery process to allow you to return to work, or even have a blackmailing effect to force you to return back to work before you are ready, causing you to have a second breakdown.

Prior to being signed off, I had arranged to go to some social events, one being a large family barbeque to celebrate my cousins partner being told she had gone into remission, also I had purchase tickets to see Elvis Costello on his UK tour six months previously, which I had really been looking forward too.  So I decided to go to these events just as the doctor ordered.  My big mistake, was that I posted photographs of these two things on my Facebook page.

Why was it a big mistake, you may ask.  Simply, it allowed work colleagues who workloads had  increase due to my absent, to make throw away comments in the office with gusto, in ear shot other people, like  "that there is nothing wrong with her, she out all the time". (you will be surprised what gets filtered back)

Well I'm sorry!  you aren't me, you weren't at that barbeque. Where even though I was with family who I love, spent most of the time in the kitchen preparing the food for the barbeque because I couldn't cope with making conversation as I found myself stuttering, drifting off into an empty space in my head because I couldn't follow the conversations, feeling tense and frightened. You weren't there at the gig, where my nerves caused me to want to curl into a ball so no one would see me, feeling physically sick and sweating, fearing I was being judged because I was there on my own, just waiting for the lights to go down, so I could relax and enjoy what I had come for, the music.

Those sort of throw away comments, do affect a sufferer, they hurt as the individual can feel they are being judged and being accused of being a lying. Due to this type illness, they can not just bat off as nothing, but these are the sort of things that will be mulled over time and time again. Causing a downward spiral to their recovery.

What I hope can be learnt from my story.

Where managers and HR procedures are concerned, if someone is signed off with depression/anxiety please consider their state of mind when contacting them on a welfare check, think about whether it is it the right time to bring up the subject of returning to work,  if they have been signed off, the chances are it will be for 2 weeks initially, but the chances of them returning to work after this time, is quite remote.   Wait to get a indication from the sufferer that they are ready to discuss returning to work, they will. They don't need the pressure of extra guilt to hinder their recovery.  They maybe a number on your duties list, but they are also human beings.

To those who make comments on the activities of the individual that is off sick, make sure you have all the facts, just because externally there is no physical signs, internally there is normally turmoil. Those comments do have a way of filtering back to the person, hindering the recovery process.  Something, you may never understand, unless you have been there.  It's like the saying "never a judge a book by it's cover"

I may not be 100% better, but I am well on the way, with patience, counselling to assist me in forming coping mechanisms when I feel I am spiralling downwards, I will get there. But at the same time I have to accept I will always be prone to bouts of depression/anxiety, and it is not a WEAKNESS.