WHAT MASK ARE YOU WEARING TODAY ?

The other day I had a conversation with a work colleague and the subject came up about whether we are true to ourselves, or do we all have a tendency to hide ourselves behind persona's which aren't ours.  Changing then each time we are in certain situations.

Show me a person who doesn't hide behind a mask of their own making at some point, I would say they are a liar. As it is part of human nature.

WHY DO WE DO IT?

I believe we develop these masks as a form of a defence mechanisms. There are many reasons for donning these masks, the main one I believe has to be to gain social acceptance as we all have the desire to be liked/loved. So we change these masks to adjust to the social environment we are in, to feel comfortable and accepted.

We seem to develop the ability to don a mask at an early age and utilise it to our gain.  Think about when you were a child or look at your own children,  As children our parents knew our true selves as they were with us everyday, so knew what we were really like, the good, the bad and the ugly.  With parents we all could be little devils pushing them to cracking point, with tantrums, spitefulness etc. Then put us in an environment with external company i.e. Grandparents, parents of your friends, see the mask develop going from this child who has just had the biggest hissy fit about going on a visit, to an social angel, full of manners and charm. (ok it maybe because they want something but this is a prime example of donning a mask).

One of the frequent times we tend to don our masks, is when we what to hide our emotions from public view. Whether its:
Excitement
Disappointment
Fear
Rejection
Depression
Shyness
The list goes on.

CAN IT BE UNHEALTHY ?

As it is part of human nature, I would say its not unhealthy BUT only as long as you are aware of the masks you use and when you use them and when not to use them too, ensuring that they don't take over reality.

A mask can be used in a positive way as well as a negative way, but you should be aware of when you are using them,  One of the most commonly used masks is that of humour, this is one people tend to use on a daily basics when feeling insecure, nervous etc.  One of the most famous people to use humour as a mask was comedian Tony Hancock, who used it on a regular basic for work and in life to mask the fact he was a manic depressive.  The persona he showed his fans was a completely different to his true self, there are many more comedians out there that do the same. So he uses his mask in a positive way.

Bur there are those that have lost there grip on reality, who wear there different mask constantly never taking them off, so have develop a totally different unrealistic persona. I know one of these individuals, the masks they have developed over their life time have become a permanent fixture, their true self has all but disappeared. The person believes everything that comes out of their mouth is the truth (believing their own façade) They had a mask of an overachiever, mask of hero, mask of popularity the list goes on.  They live their life under the invented persona as this is only way they can survive day to day. They are totally obvious to the fact people can see them as a fake and not as important as they believe they are. So having an opposite effect to that of the majority of us, that use masks occasionally for things like social acceptance.  This person is not generally socially accepted and is the butt of jokes, referred to as a Billy Liar or a fool. Yet this person craves acceptance more than most, hence they have developed all these masks. In that situation I believe wearing a mask is very unhealthy.

CONCLUSION

We will all continue to wear masks as a coping mechanism, BUT remember they are only to deal with certain situations and should only be used for a small period of time. IF WE WANT TO BE TRUE TO OURSELVES.

MASKS

 

Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a thousand masks,

and none of them are me.

 

Don't be fooled. For God's sake don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game.

 

And that I need no one. But don't believe me.

Beneath dwells the real me in confusions, in aloneness, in fear.

 

That's why I create a mask to hide behind, to shield me from the glance that knows, but such a glance is precisely my salvation.

 

That is, if it's followed by acceptance, If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls

 

I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing and that I'm just no good, and that you will reject me.

 

And so begins the parade of masks, I idly chatter to you, I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.

 

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying.

 

I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous and "me".

 

But you've got to help me. You've got to hold my hand.

 

Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart beings to grow wings, feeble wings but wings.

 

With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding.

 

You alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty.

 

It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back but I'm told that Love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my only hope.

 

Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, but gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

 

Who am I , you may wonder.

 

I AM EVERY MAN YOU MEET, AND ALSO EVERY WOMAN THAT YOU MEET AND I AM YOU ALSO.

 

Anon.



REFLECTION .................

                                       Picture by Tom Hussey  - Reflections collection


This morning I was standing in front of my wardrobe mirror, looking at my reflection, (not a pretty sight :-) ) in front of me was a female of 50, in her own little terrace house with her ever faithful cat Tilli.  As I looked, I reflected on my pass, all the dreams and expectations I had as a teenage  to what I would have done in my life before I was 50.  I realised that none of the path I thought I would have followed had happen.  Do I have regrets! Yes I do, but in the words of the classic Frank Sinatra song My Way......

 

 

Regrets, I've had a few,

But then again, too few to mention

 

 

THE WAY THINGS WERE.

 

Growing up in the 1960's and 1970's  there still quite a divide between what was expected of a female and a male, a divide which doesn't really exist in certain country anymore.  So much so, that even the toys we would play with were sort of dictated to us or even how we dressed,  Although girls were being to wear trousers more and more it was still expected that dresses and skirts would be worn, as for toys and things, the boys had the chopper bike, girls a smaller version often referred to as a clipper. In the Christmas stocking if lucky as a girl you would receive a tiny tears or Sindy dolls,  a Twinkle or Jackie annual,  if you were a boy chances you would get something like Subbuteo  and Action man figures with roaming eyes and gripping hands (mmm that may explain a few things :-) )  with a Whizzer and Chips annual or Shoot annual. 

 

 

 



At school it tended to be mandatory for the girls to do Domestic Science (cooking) and Needlework, where the boys did Metalwork and Woodwork though by the time I got to secondary school I could opt for Metalwork and Woodwork as well, which I did, must admit it has come in handy ref DIY in my little terrace.

 

EXPECTATIONS AND DREAMS THAT FORMED.

 

It was still very much when you had your career advise, that as a girl the work you were directed too tended to be administration based,  a Clerk, a Receptionist, Typist/Secretary, Shop worker,  Unless you were in the A band, than you maybe luck enough to go to University and study to do something different Teaching, possibly if lucky a Doctor.  Even though the workplace was being to open up to more opportunities for women.

 

But back at the age of 13 in 1975 the idea of doing something different wasn't really encourage, the Victorian attitude still existed a certain degree where a woman may work but it was expected that she should than get married and bring up children etc.

 

So, because of that at 13 my dreams and expectations were formed, influenced by this attitude.  I would got to work for a short while where upon I would meet the man of my dreams and fall in love, get married, I would be a housewife have children and raise them, I would grow old with the man of my dreams and live happy ever after, maintaining my slim figure and not go all mumsy. I would discuss this with my girlfriends and we all tended to have the same dream and expectations. Also if I ever got to 50 (which was such an old age ) I would be looking after my Grandchildren on occasions.  Everything would be perfect a life full of romance and happiness. picture perfect.

 

How far removed from those dreams and expectation is what did happen.  I have to smile at the naivety of my thoughts and how the world has changed and how it allows women to have bigger dreams and expectations.

THE PATH I ACTUALLY TOOK

On leaving school I started on the path I thought I would follow, I have a boyfriend, we were close as close as you could be at that age,  I had been employed by a Building Society on a probation period waiting for my exam result to allow me day release at college. Unfortunately I didn't get the qualification required so the job didn't last long, I then worked in a TV rental shop, while I was there I went to the 21st Birthday of my second cousin, at her birthday I had a conversation that would change my life and lead me on a totally different path.  My cousin Helen was in the Women's Royal Navy Service (WRNS) as a female rating that repaired helicopters.  The stories she told me of her life, had me enthralled why had nobody told me about this kind of work.  I had looked briefly at becoming a Police woman, but there was a height restriction, so that was out of the question, but this job had no height restriction,  It was round 1982 and the Navy had been in the news due to the Falklands.

So off I trotted to the recruitment office and signed up, as a Radio Operator, I was as pleased as punch, I was living in a small village in Leicestershire, and it became the talk of the village, that I was going into the forces as no one else male or female of my generation had enlisted.

So on the 17th January 1983 at the age 20 I started in WRNS taking a totally different path than that I have envisioned as 13 year old girl, I was now unbelievably on a career path.  I served for a total of 14 years, in which I moved up the ranks.  After I left I ended up working for the Police, as the forces first female civilian Scene of Crime Officer/CSI. Which I have now been doing for nearly 17 years.

 

 

 

WHAT OF LOVE AND FAMILY

 

I dated some very nice guys over the years, but I don't really think I have ever been truly in love, yet have felt broken hearted. As I have had very fond feeling for them, I think the only thing that has remained with me from the age of 13 is from the daydreaming discussions with my girlfriends, about falling in love and what it would mean, so basically falling in love with love as I saw it. So, even at the age of 50 I'm not really sure of what true love for a partner is, or if I'm capable of it.  As for a family, I haven't any children of my own I do have beautiful Godchildren which I love as if they are my own. So I really haven't lost out there.

 

 

NEVER SAY NEVER

 

As I stood in front of that mirror and had these thoughts, the conclusion I ended up with was I have had a life that many people may envy, I've travelled, I experience  all sort of different things in both my job, some if I told you about I would have to shoot you!  I had my up's and down's like everyone else, but truth be told, I wouldn't really change the path I ended up trending.  Also, you never know I may get my original dreams in my twilight years, as 50 is now the new 40, so plenty of time, I may meet the man of my dreams, who show me what it is to be really in love, but this time it may not be my children and Grandchildren, but step children and step Grandchildren.  Strangers things have happen!!!.